The sun came back to me!

It is the beginning of april, the second week to be precise and up until this week we have had nothing but cold weather and rain. I am not a huge fan of either of those things but i guess when you grow up in Ohio you get used to both.  This week though started out with 80 degree weather, i think its about 65 out right now, which is awesome! I love it. I am actually getting ready to head out to work here very shortly, within a few minutes actually. I guess i should have started writing sooner. Oh well, live and learn i guess. 

After work today i am going over to my new place to paint and such. I am so ready to move in! A few more weeks of work and i should be able to :D Maybe after painting i will go out and get some house stuff and out to dinner with a friend...But i really have to leave now. Ciao!

A long day~

                               My day today was kind of okay, long it seemed. I woke up at 8 something for church but was tired so i went back to sleep, i know i am a heathen :O Oh well, i woke up again around 10 and felt a lot better than i have in several days or weeks...after i woke up, i took a shower and got ready for my day. Then i headed to a family Easter dinner (just a couple of  weeks early) it was okay, i got to play with my future niece and nephew which was fun. I like kids, as long as they are other peoples, lol. Someday maybe i will want one but right now they freak me out. Anyways, it was good to see them. After they left i got super bored and super easily annoyable. I think i have like a hyper sensitivity problem. Sometimes noises seem extra loud and lights seem extra bright and it drives me crazy. That happened today, so i just sat there kind of bored and frustrated and such.  I felt like a jerk and a bitch but...i couldn't help it. I just sat there quiet. I frustrate myself sometimes when i am like that. I don't know how to change it. Sometimes i wish i could just make myself be happy and sociable, but i get to the point sometimes where i just want to be alone, left to my own tortuous mind. But it seems like whenever i want to be like that, people always want to be around me. Ugh! Then, when i try to leave, i feel like a monster because the people want to be with me. I am so fucking selfish sometimes. 

Tomorrow i have to work all day and that is gonna suck majorly, but i guess i have to think of the money. More money means i get to leave it all sooner. Hopefully. Although sometimes it also seems like it means more bills. 

If i could do anything in the world...i like to think i would do something amazing. I don't think i would though. I think i would just want to do nothing, travel maybe, see the world, disappear to never be seen again. I would become a legend...the girl who left her home to never be found...lol. That would be great. 

I keep 3 blogs, not very steadily. In fact i don't remember the last time i wrote on one of them, but that one is my poetry blog and i think i am gonna head over there after this entry is done. I think writing in poem form helps my brain put things into order. I have been doing it for years, i started back when i was so depressed and suicidal and it really helped me. I wrote a ton of stuff back then, its pretty bleak, dark stuff. You can definitely tell i was depressed at the time.  Writing really helped me out though, without that outlet things would have been even worse for me. Anyways, i am out of this one for now so i can go write on my poetry one before i lose my inspiration. Ciao!

So Bored

1. Have you ever been asked out? Yes

2. Where is your favourite  picture taken? Myrtle Beach

3. What's your middle name?

Nicole

4. Your current status?

hmm...

5. Does your crush like you back?

I think so

6. What is your current mood?

Exhausted, excited, and nervous

7. What color of socks are you wearing?

None

8. What color shirt are you wearing?

Purple

9. Missing something?

My mind

10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?

A couple things...

11. If you must be an animal for one day, what animal would you choose?

A tiger :D

12. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes

13. Something you do a lot?

Overthink everything, and work

14. The song stuck in your head?

Rihanna---that new song...

15. Who did you copy and paste this from?

Steve

16. Name someone with the same birthday as YOU?

Will I. Am

17. When was the last time you cried?

A few weeks ago

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?

Yeah

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?

Hmm...invisibility

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Smile

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?

Ewww....Coffee :(

22. What's your biggest secret?

Hahahahaha don't you wish you knew!

23. Favorite color?

Red is ultimate

24. Do you still watch Kiddie shows or TV shows?

Yeah! Scooby Doo is still my favourite show

25. What is a line from one of your favorite songs?

If you were dead or still alive, i don't care~ Apocalyptica ft. Adam Gontier- I don't care

 26. What are you? As in as a person?

Individual, chaos, crazy

27. Do you speak any other language?

Well...Latin, a little spanish, french, Suomi(Finnish), English, tiny bit of Russian...

28. What's your favorite smell?

There are a couple of colognes that are amazing

29. Describe your life in one word?

Chaos

30. What is one thing you would like to learn how to do?

Be more spontaneous

31. Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Yes

32. What are you thinking about right now?

A lot of things

33. What should you be doing?

Cleaning or showering

34. Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?

Probably my dad

35. Do you ever dance like nobody's watching?

O yeah, but only when nobody really is watching

36. Do you like to work in the yard?

Sometimes.

37. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want?

Idk, something simple

38. Do you act differently around the person you like?

Ask him.

39. What is your natural hair color?

The same colour it is now...dark brown w. natural reddish highlights

40. What is one of your favorite places to be?

Alone. With music blasting, in the water maybe? idk, just someplace by myself

Bucket List Take 1

* I want to ride in a hot air balloon

*I want to skydive, i always have

* I want to travel the world, see it all, Africa, Mexico, Switzerland, Finland, Europe, Hong Kong, Asia in general, Tahiti, Curacos, Etc...

* I want to ride an elephant

*  I want to finish learning Suomi

* Also want to learn Bengali

*  Want to drive on the autobahn

* Learn to fly an airplane

* Finish writing my book

* Learn to play the cello or violin

*and learn to play drums

Another long day is about to start~

I woke up just a little while ago, still exhausted, as usual. What i wouldn't do for a full, restful night of sleep! I can't remember the last time i actually slept well. Its been awhile. I am currently lying in bed, listening to old Eminem. I don't have to work today! That doesn't happen very often. I normally work every single stinkin day, talk about exhausting. Today though my day is still very much full, even without work. I have to go take a shower before too long, so i can get all dressed up and head out for the day. I hate dressing up. I would be so happy if i could get away with wearing jeans or shorts and a tank top all day. Yup, that would be great. 

Today is the second day of April, it has been cold, it looks like it may rain today at some point. Oh well, i am just so ready for summer. For flip-flops and shorts and tank tops. And bonfires and parties and more friends home from school. Yup, that can start any old time. 

I went to the chiropractor yesterday. I was so sore my body was shaking with pain, that happens every once in awhile to me. So i sucked it up and stopped in at the chiropractor and he tried to fix me up. Its better now but still not great. He cracked like every bone in my back and neck plus massaged and oooooh it felt good at the time. Then i went to play with  Cory's niece and nephew and i don't know how great of an idea that was. I like kids, someday i want them, but right now the whole idea of me having them flips out my mind. Scares the hell out of me. Lol, at least i know i am not ready for them, considering there are at least thousands of people out in the world who should never have had kids and have at least a couple. 

My bedroom is a disaster right now, i need to clean it pretty bad but i don't feel like it right now. Maybe...another day. I guess its not that bad, just my desk is covered in stuff. I see headphones, my little camera, deoderant, nail polish, jewelry, gum, envelopes, bank statements, lip gloss, a work schedule, lol, the list keeps going. 

I want to do so many things...i think i am gonna start a bucket list.~

Boredom doesn't begin to cover it~

                     Hello again to the wonderful world of internet. Without it i would go insane, i am sure of it. Here in tiny town Ohio there is nothing to do, especially when its so cold outside, like now. Without the fantastic internet i am sure i would go berserk from boredom. Even with the internet i am bored a lot. And i think i am already completely insane. Like...maybe 95% sure. There is still a 5% chance that i am not officially crazy. Although sometimes...yeah, my mind is on its way out. I was at work yesterday, talking to some of the other girls and in my head i was thinking about something else, as per usual, and totally just started laughing for no apparent reason. No wonder people think i am crazy. I am.

So, here it is, almost April and its still like 25 degrees outside. I can't do anything without shivering like crazy. Even in bed and covered with a pile of blankets i am still shivering. I am cold blooded i think, i am ALWAYS cold. Seriously. Sometimes even in the summer, if the AC is on i am wearing a sweatshirt or something. Which looks kind of strange considering i live in short shorts and tank tops in the summer. 

I have to go to work soon, i am ready for it to be over already. But i am looking forward to the drive. I love to drive, fast. So fast it feels like i am about to lose control. And i crank my music as loud as possible and sing along and just lose myself to it. Thats one of the happiest places for me. I feel free, uninhibited, and its amazing. Something about freedom just makes me happy. If i could just live for the rest of my life, not worrying or caring about anything, doing whatever i wanted, that would be beautiful. 

Someone asked me the other day how many relationships i had been in. After thinking about it for a minute, i realized the number was really low. I have heard i am intimidating, and a lot of guys are put off my my height (i am 5'11") not to  mention i am totally batty :) I don't think i see the world as most people do. I kind of live in a bubble. I am glad though that i haven't been with a lot of people. Most of the guys i know are good friends, thats how it has always been. I guess i am just not girly enough for them to have  ever noticed me. Not that i would have wanted them to. My guy friends are like brothers to me.  I remember one night, laying on a trampoline in the middle of nowhere, Ohio, with a couple of guy friends just looking at the sky, the stars etc, and just talking. Talking about everything. That happened a few times, with a couple different guys, and those nights are a happy part of my memory. They helped to take me out of my own head for awhile, to get my mind on good things. I don't know what i would have done without them. Of course, there are a couple of the guys i don't hang out with anymore. Sometimes things get too awkward, but i still miss it. And sometimes i wish life could go back to that.  So much simpler. But no, they had to ruin it. 

I am pretty good at rambling away about nothing in particular, at least online. In person, or even on  the phone i totally suck at conversation. But when i am typing, i just go on and on. I can talk about anything and not worry. I worry too much, i tend to over analyze everything. I always want people to like me, so i worry about how they are perceiving me. I know i am socially awkward, believe it or not i am actually improving. I haven't ever been good at talking to people, things like that are just not as natural for me as they are for most people. I wish they were. It just takes me awhile  to get comfortable around people and be myself. Too many years of being the outcast and being made fun of for who i am. I finally decided that i don't give a fuck  and i would rather be me than pretend to be somebody else and be miserable. I have been a lot happier since then. anyways, i am out now~

Random Facts III

When its warm enough outside, i blast my music as loud as possible and jam so hard.

I like meeting and talking to new people

My favourite  song at the moment is xyz road by Stone Sour. 

When i paint my fingernails, i only paint 1 of them . Right now my left pinky is hot pink. I live life random

Sometimes i like the rain, i like to be depressed and sad occasionally.

My ancestors were royalty, they were great leaders. Legends and stories surround them and i wish i could go back in time.

I wear a toe ring, always. It makes me feel  like a gypsy, with no permanent home, free to do what i like.

I want to get a peacock feather tattooed on the side of my foot. Not really sure why, i just do.

Tattoos are super hot. No logic behind this, they just are. It probably goes back to the whole bad boy sex appeal.

On that note, motorcycles are also super sexy. 

Photography is a lot of fun for me. I have 2 cameras, a small one and a bigger, professional size. Maybe someday i will pursue that interest. 

When men flirt with me, it makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but it also is flattering.

I have always wanted to be an airplane pilot. I like being in the air, it just feels free.

I guess i just love my freedom, i live for it.

I used to be suicidal, when i survived it just made me feel like a failure.

May is my favourite month

I despise even numbers. I always have, i just can't stand them. 

Pictures of myself always look just awful to me.

Most of my graduating class are parents now, i couldn't imagine having a kid. I am still young!

Every once in awhile i have to jam out to Eminem, i just have to. 

If i could play any instrument it would be the drums. But no, i play the flute and some piano. Lame

My body is so screwed up that the chiropractor told me i am unfixable. I am just broken.

Story of my life. I am broken/ messed up beyond repair/thats just life.