Boredom doesn't begin to cover it~

                     Hello again to the wonderful world of internet. Without it i would go insane, i am sure of it. Here in tiny town Ohio there is nothing to do, especially when its so cold outside, like now. Without the fantastic internet i am sure i would go berserk from boredom. Even with the internet i am bored a lot. And i think i am already completely insane. Like...maybe 95% sure. There is still a 5% chance that i am not officially crazy. Although sometimes...yeah, my mind is on its way out. I was at work yesterday, talking to some of the other girls and in my head i was thinking about something else, as per usual, and totally just started laughing for no apparent reason. No wonder people think i am crazy. I am.

So, here it is, almost April and its still like 25 degrees outside. I can't do anything without shivering like crazy. Even in bed and covered with a pile of blankets i am still shivering. I am cold blooded i think, i am ALWAYS cold. Seriously. Sometimes even in the summer, if the AC is on i am wearing a sweatshirt or something. Which looks kind of strange considering i live in short shorts and tank tops in the summer. 

I have to go to work soon, i am ready for it to be over already. But i am looking forward to the drive. I love to drive, fast. So fast it feels like i am about to lose control. And i crank my music as loud as possible and sing along and just lose myself to it. Thats one of the happiest places for me. I feel free, uninhibited, and its amazing. Something about freedom just makes me happy. If i could just live for the rest of my life, not worrying or caring about anything, doing whatever i wanted, that would be beautiful. 

Someone asked me the other day how many relationships i had been in. After thinking about it for a minute, i realized the number was really low. I have heard i am intimidating, and a lot of guys are put off my my height (i am 5'11") not to  mention i am totally batty :) I don't think i see the world as most people do. I kind of live in a bubble. I am glad though that i haven't been with a lot of people. Most of the guys i know are good friends, thats how it has always been. I guess i am just not girly enough for them to have  ever noticed me. Not that i would have wanted them to. My guy friends are like brothers to me.  I remember one night, laying on a trampoline in the middle of nowhere, Ohio, with a couple of guy friends just looking at the sky, the stars etc, and just talking. Talking about everything. That happened a few times, with a couple different guys, and those nights are a happy part of my memory. They helped to take me out of my own head for awhile, to get my mind on good things. I don't know what i would have done without them. Of course, there are a couple of the guys i don't hang out with anymore. Sometimes things get too awkward, but i still miss it. And sometimes i wish life could go back to that.  So much simpler. But no, they had to ruin it. 

I am pretty good at rambling away about nothing in particular, at least online. In person, or even on  the phone i totally suck at conversation. But when i am typing, i just go on and on. I can talk about anything and not worry. I worry too much, i tend to over analyze everything. I always want people to like me, so i worry about how they are perceiving me. I know i am socially awkward, believe it or not i am actually improving. I haven't ever been good at talking to people, things like that are just not as natural for me as they are for most people. I wish they were. It just takes me awhile  to get comfortable around people and be myself. Too many years of being the outcast and being made fun of for who i am. I finally decided that i don't give a fuck  and i would rather be me than pretend to be somebody else and be miserable. I have been a lot happier since then. anyways, i am out now~