Boredom doesn't begin to cover it~

                     Hello again to the wonderful world of internet. Without it i would go insane, i am sure of it. Here in tiny town Ohio there is nothing to do, especially when its so cold outside, like now. Without the fantastic internet i am sure i would go berserk from boredom. Even with the internet i am bored a lot. And i think i am already completely insane. Like...maybe 95% sure. There is still a 5% chance that i am not officially crazy. Although sometimes...yeah, my mind is on its way out. I was at work yesterday, talking to some of the other girls and in my head i was thinking about something else, as per usual, and totally just started laughing for no apparent reason. No wonder people think i am crazy. I am.

So, here it is, almost April and its still like 25 degrees outside. I can't do anything without shivering like crazy. Even in bed and covered with a pile of blankets i am still shivering. I am cold blooded i think, i am ALWAYS cold. Seriously. Sometimes even in the summer, if the AC is on i am wearing a sweatshirt or something. Which looks kind of strange considering i live in short shorts and tank tops in the summer. 

I have to go to work soon, i am ready for it to be over already. But i am looking forward to the drive. I love to drive, fast. So fast it feels like i am about to lose control. And i crank my music as loud as possible and sing along and just lose myself to it. Thats one of the happiest places for me. I feel free, uninhibited, and its amazing. Something about freedom just makes me happy. If i could just live for the rest of my life, not worrying or caring about anything, doing whatever i wanted, that would be beautiful. 

Someone asked me the other day how many relationships i had been in. After thinking about it for a minute, i realized the number was really low. I have heard i am intimidating, and a lot of guys are put off my my height (i am 5'11") not to  mention i am totally batty :) I don't think i see the world as most people do. I kind of live in a bubble. I am glad though that i haven't been with a lot of people. Most of the guys i know are good friends, thats how it has always been. I guess i am just not girly enough for them to have  ever noticed me. Not that i would have wanted them to. My guy friends are like brothers to me.  I remember one night, laying on a trampoline in the middle of nowhere, Ohio, with a couple of guy friends just looking at the sky, the stars etc, and just talking. Talking about everything. That happened a few times, with a couple different guys, and those nights are a happy part of my memory. They helped to take me out of my own head for awhile, to get my mind on good things. I don't know what i would have done without them. Of course, there are a couple of the guys i don't hang out with anymore. Sometimes things get too awkward, but i still miss it. And sometimes i wish life could go back to that.  So much simpler. But no, they had to ruin it. 

I am pretty good at rambling away about nothing in particular, at least online. In person, or even on  the phone i totally suck at conversation. But when i am typing, i just go on and on. I can talk about anything and not worry. I worry too much, i tend to over analyze everything. I always want people to like me, so i worry about how they are perceiving me. I know i am socially awkward, believe it or not i am actually improving. I haven't ever been good at talking to people, things like that are just not as natural for me as they are for most people. I wish they were. It just takes me awhile  to get comfortable around people and be myself. Too many years of being the outcast and being made fun of for who i am. I finally decided that i don't give a fuck  and i would rather be me than pretend to be somebody else and be miserable. I have been a lot happier since then. anyways, i am out now~

Random Facts III

When its warm enough outside, i blast my music as loud as possible and jam so hard.

I like meeting and talking to new people

My favourite  song at the moment is xyz road by Stone Sour. 

When i paint my fingernails, i only paint 1 of them . Right now my left pinky is hot pink. I live life random

Sometimes i like the rain, i like to be depressed and sad occasionally.

My ancestors were royalty, they were great leaders. Legends and stories surround them and i wish i could go back in time.

I wear a toe ring, always. It makes me feel  like a gypsy, with no permanent home, free to do what i like.

I want to get a peacock feather tattooed on the side of my foot. Not really sure why, i just do.

Tattoos are super hot. No logic behind this, they just are. It probably goes back to the whole bad boy sex appeal.

On that note, motorcycles are also super sexy. 

Photography is a lot of fun for me. I have 2 cameras, a small one and a bigger, professional size. Maybe someday i will pursue that interest. 

When men flirt with me, it makes me uncomfortable most of the time, but it also is flattering.

I have always wanted to be an airplane pilot. I like being in the air, it just feels free.

I guess i just love my freedom, i live for it.

I used to be suicidal, when i survived it just made me feel like a failure.

May is my favourite month

I despise even numbers. I always have, i just can't stand them. 

Pictures of myself always look just awful to me.

Most of my graduating class are parents now, i couldn't imagine having a kid. I am still young!

Every once in awhile i have to jam out to Eminem, i just have to. 

If i could play any instrument it would be the drums. But no, i play the flute and some piano. Lame

My body is so screwed up that the chiropractor told me i am unfixable. I am just broken.

Story of my life. I am broken/ messed up beyond repair/thats just life.

Sing until your lungs give out--

                            Its been awhile since i have been on. Life is too busy, life is too much, life is constant. Not a lot has been happening, just work, trying to plan out my life somewhat, trying to make a plan to get away from everything, to move beyond it. I don't know how to though. I am going to quit my job. I know that much, get a new job, someplace else. I want to move away, so far that i could never be found. Maybe New Zealand, or someplace in Europe. Just so far from here, from all the drama, away from all the things i know. I want to LIVE , to experience life to the max.

So..whats new with me? I bought a place, out in the country, with a whole acre of land. All for me. A private sanctuary, and escape from reality. I am currently redecorating and so that is kind of fun. A lot of work, the place was kind of a wreck. Totally worth it though.  I bought a pet tortoise, Queen Azubah, she is very cute and very small. My first pet on my own. My car is falling apart, but i keep getting it fixed, it still has a few good years left. I just keep replacing things and my car just keeps running. Thats where all of my money goes i think, cars are DAMN expensive to keep up. Hmm...what else is new...? i can't think of many things.

My mom is still completely uninterested in my life and my dad is trying to start being in my life again. I am so over it. They should have never had kids. They should have just never met. I don't know how they ever did, i don't really care. I would be so wonderful if i never had to talk t either of them again. I have put up with so much from both of them, and they still don't know how bad it got to be at times. They probably won't ever know. I am okay with that though, i don't need them trying to say how sorry they are, or any of that crap, it just makes things worse.

I am not an interesting person most of the time, i just don't talk very much, i don't have anything to say. People just judge too fast and have their own opinions about me regardless of what is true. If i had a buck for all of the crap spoken about me, the lies and rumors, if only half of them were true , lol. People are all the same, in general. They always want something from me, never actually care about anything, just pretend until they get what they want. And then they leave, thats just life i guess. Or at least my life. 

Well, time to go to work, peace~

A friday full of self loathing.