all the thoughts...

                                    Time for yet another glimpse into the mind of a crazy girl. Today is Thursday and i somehow do not have to work today, i have to be there really early tomorrow though. So i guess that makes up for my day away. I woke up around 9:30 this morning, after going to bed around 4am. So...about 5.5 hrs of sleep, not the best but still better than sometimes. I have been having so much trouble sleeping lately and i'm not sure why. It is very frustrating to me! 

I am listening to music by Maroon 5 right now, sad songs, love songs...i am sometimes in the mood for this kind of music. Sometimes it makes me realize things about myself that i hadn't realized before. Sometimes it puts me in a sad mood. Which is okay. 

My head is pounding right now, i hate headaches but i am for some reason prone to them. I think it probably has to do with my constant lack of sleep. I can rarely sleep well. I think  my propensity towards headaches and a sore body are probably the result of that lack of sleep.

Yesterday, my older brothers girlfriend flew in from Georgia and i met her for the first time. The have been together for 3 years. She seems really nice, it was strange to see my brother with somebody. Hard to explain, but she seems nice which is good.

I have decided that i have a hard time in relationships for one main reason...i am so used to being able to trust no one and rely on no one that when i have somebody to talk to i can't.  I think i am too afraid of things going wrong after i have trusted somebody. Afraid that it will damage me even more. So i just keep all the things inside of me that need to get out, things that need to be discussed and straightened out.  Everything inside my mind remains unspoken. Things are hard for me sometimes, a lot of times. I rarely share my thoughts though, it is easier to keep it inside and avoid any talking. I know that's not healthy but it is such a huge habit now that i don't know if i could stop keeping it all inside if i wanted to.

My dad is trying to get in touch with me again. I do not like my dad  at all and avoid him at every opportunity. I don't want him in my life, i have given up on that happening a long time ago. When he tries to get back into my life, it is only for a few weeks and then he will back out again. That doesn't work for me. I can't have my dad acting like he wants me around only to abandon me and then wait a couple months to do it again. I can't handle the pain of that rejection continuously. I still haven't fully come to terms with the original abandonment 21 years ago. To put myself through it 3 or 4 times a year would break me completely. Why can't he realize that?!?

questions and answers...

are you spending the weekend with the last person you kissed?
Weekend's over.


what if your boyfriend/girlfriend went through your cellphone?
Whatever...


have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
Yes


do you hate the last male you had a conversation with?
No

think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them in a car?
Yeah


are you nice to everyone?
No 

is it possible to be single and happy?
Sure...


are you happy with the way things are going?
Sure


do you change your phone background a lot?
Nope


do you wish someone would call or text you right now?
No


are you listening to any music?
Not yet


who was the last person to tell you that they love you, other than family?
Cory


did your boyfriend/girlfriend say i love you to you today?
...


did you sleep alone last night?
Yes.


is there someone you just can't imagine your life without?
Yeah


waiting for something?
Sure


have you ever slept in the same bed with anyone on your top friends?
Yup


missing anybody?
Sure


wouldn't it be kinda annoying to have to share a bed every night?
no


has anyone called you perfect before?
Yeah


when was the last time you said you were fine and really weren't?
I'm sure in the last few days


are you trying to avoid liking somebody at the moment?
No


will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
no


have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?
Yes


what’s something that can always make you feel better?
Puppies :)

who knows your biggest secrets?
Cory

are you mad about anything?
Sure


when's the last time you had a birthday party?
An actual party, i have no idea


are you planning on going to college?
Um no

are you currently reading a book?
Yeah...


have you ever ridden a horse?
Nope


what are you wearing?
nothing..

where are you right now?
My room


when did you cry last?
Awhile ago


where's the last place you walked to?
Downstairs


what is the last thing you said aloud?
I don't even remember 

do you believe in soul mates?
Sure


do you like seafood?
No


do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes...some are amusing, some are scary


last thing you ate?
ice cream

could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
For sure


name some things you did yesterday?
Worked, cooked, talked

if you are being extremely quiet what does that mean?
I'm upset or thinking


do you have a best friend(s)?
Yes


are you happy at the moment?
Sure


are you a morning person or a night person?
Both


what's your favorite season?
Spring


where did you sleep last night and with who?
In my bed, by myself.

Start off with your name?

Jessica

This is going to get in your business you ready?

Sure

Are you currently dating anyone?

...

Did anyone see your last kiss?

Nope

Anyone call you babe lately?

Yup

What's your favorite color?

Red

Hit anyone physically today?

Nope

What was the last thing you drank?

Capri sun :)

Do you want kids?

Yeah

What was the last song you heard?

Utopia- Within Temptation

Are you good in school?

Yeah

Do you cuss a lot?

Sometimes

Do you use a lot of smiley faces?

Yeppppp

Do you like how things are going?

Somewhat

Has anyone asked you for advice lately?

Yeah

Do you drink your drinks with a straw?

If it comes with one or is at a restaurant...

How many blankets do you sleep with?

A lot

What about pillows?

7-8

Are there some people that will always be in your heart?

Yeppp

Do you know any other languages?

Some spanish, french,latin, finnish

Is there a diffrence between love and being in love?

Yes

Has someone ever cheated on their partner with you?

No

Which city would you like to visit?  

Zurich

What's your current mood?

Tired...but I'm alive!

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?

Sure? haha

Are you playing hard to get right now?

No

What are you doing tomorrow?

not sure

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?

Slow

Do you believe exes can be friends?

Yes

Are you one of those people that always answer their phones?

Depends on where I'm at/what I'm doing

Is the person you last texted single?

Yes

Can you honestly say that things are running smoothly for you?

For the most part

When will your next kiss take place?

No idea

Are you wearing a ring, who gave it to you?

Nope

When you're getting ready for something, do you listen to music?

Usually

Kissed anyone with the name starting with a C, A, G, T, M, or L?

Yes

When did you last hold someones hand?

idk

Why did your last kiss occur?

Just because

Does anyone have feelings for you right now?  

Yes

If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad?

Furious

Do you dislike the last person you kissed?

Not at all

What is going on between you and the last person you kissed on the lips?

Stuff

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like?

Yeah

Would you fall apart if the last person you kissed walked out of your life?

Yeah, he is my glue!

What is on your mind?

So much!

Do you like to hold hands?

Yeah

Have you kissed anyone today?

Yes....

Do you look decent when you wake up?

Yes, noramally

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?

Love one person

Is there a guy that knows a lot about you?

Yep!

Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now?

Yes

Do you like steak?

No

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

With somebody

Have you ever been Ice Skating?

Yes

Been caught stealing?

Yes...accidental though, long story...

Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?

Yea

In the past 72 hours have you been under the influence?

Nope

What’s the best feeling in the world?

Being content

So tell me, what is your problem?

So many problems

Who was your last text from?

Mindy

Do you drink enough water?

For the most part, yes

How do you usually wear your hair?

Crazy and curly, natural

What time are you waking up tomorrow?

Whenever I wake up!

Do you think the world's gonna end December 21st, 2012?

Nope

Have you ever had a friend who betrayed you and was two faced?

Yeah

Do you like someone older than you?

Sure

How do you feel about your hair right now?

It's BIG!!

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a J?

Nope

If so, who?

Would you consider your parents to be strict?

Yes

What if your boyfriend or girlfriend went through your phone?

Who cares?

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?

Yes

What are your plans for this weekend?

Work friday, free day saturday and sunday..PARTY!!!

When will you next eat?

Tomorrow

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Cory

Do you act differently/shy around the person you like?

No

How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?  

Three

How's your day going?  

Alright

Would you go out in public looking like you do now?

No...

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Yup

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?

Yup

Last time you saw your dad?

Christmas

Do you flirt with your best friends boyfriend or girlfriend?

No

Do you spend most of your free time on Myspace or Blackplanet ?

No, Facebook and with my friends

Do you lie when someone asks you "Do I look okay with this on?"

Nope

Are you conceited?  

No

Do you go out of your way to get attention?

No

Do you go out of your way to help someone?

Yep

Have you ever kissed someone who is just a friend?

No

Do you watch Dora the Explorer?

Nope

Do you believe in magic?

Yes

Have you ever threatened someone?

Yeah

Are you afraid of the dark?

Yes

Would you prefer Spongebob or CSI?

CSI

Have you ever lied to make someone happy?

Yeah

Would you prefer soda or Juice?

Juice

Are you unsure about your feelings for someone?

No

 

How many kids do you want to have in the future?

3

Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?

No

Could you eat a whole Pizza?

No

Have you done anything illegal today?

I drove too fast

Did you do something mean to someone today?  

Yup

Have you ever just laid down outside and stared at the stars?

Yes

How was your day overall?

It's been ok I guess

Do you need to say something to someone?

Probably

Are you a bad influence?

Sometimes

Are you shy at first when it comes to meeting people?

Yes

Have you ever felt replaced?

Yes

a peek inside ( my crazy mind)

Another long day, i don't have to go to work for another 4 hours or so. My family is all out of the house thankfully. It is so much more peaceful and quiet with everyone gone. It is so humid here, moisture is just sitting in the air. I am thankful that it is not cold and snowy yet. I dread the coming of winter. Last night it was incredibly foggy on my drive home, like what i imagine driving through a cloud is like.

Last night i was out with my friends, it wasn't bad like i expected, no drama. We went putt-putt golfing and out to dinner, and then back to Janelles house to play games and what not. It was fun. Jenni, Janelle, and Dory's last night out before they have to leave for college. Toni's last night before she gets married. Tara and Em came out with us too. It was fun and relaxing. I wish it could happen more often, but if it did things would get bad again.

One of my best friends, Octavia, asked me to do video of her wedding for her, i am pretty nervous about it. I don't want to mess it all up for her. I want it to turn out well. However, i said yes, as always. I am too damn nice! Lol, i always say yes, i feel bad if somebody asks for something and i say no. So i am really hoping that the video footage turns out well.

I want to write a book, a childrens book obviously, i know my writing style wouldn't work for an adult book. I am just not sure what to write about for a childrens book. I want to write a classic. My brothers girlfriend is a really good artist, so i could have her illustrate it. I'm sure she would enjoy it. I just need a story line.

My internet is all messed up right now, it says i have internet sometimes and then it won't let me access it. Its incredibly frustrating! It will kick me offline sometimes, and it always seems like its when i am in the middle of something. Isn't that the way life works?

Today seems to be going so slowly. I haven't got anything to do until work. All of my friends are already working and so i am on my own. It gets boring. I am a person who gets bored really easily. When i have nothing to do...it seems like my brain starts to go in all the wrong places, over analysing everything, thinking about things i want to forget about, bringing images to my mind that i would do anything to get rid of. Surfacing memories. I can't control it, or make it stop. It just goes on and on. A couple of days ago, i think it was sunday, my mind kept flashing back to a horrible day of my life. One that i have blocked. When my stepfather attacked my older brother. There was so much yelling, screaming, knives were pulled, there was blood everywhere, glass breaking, my mother crying. I can still see my older brother pinned underneath my stepfather, taking hit upon hit to his face and body, that horrible monster with blood streaming down his arm, raising his fist back to punch my brother yet again, my mother screaming and crying in the background, my little brothers running up the stairs to get away, my dog barking at him to stop. I couldn't handle it. I ran outside, tears streaming down my face, unsure of what i would go back to. It was one of the worst days in my life. There are still days when, in my mind, it plays over again and again. I don't know how to get rid of the memories. I just want them gone!

There are other thoughts pounding through my brain, things i wish i could get out, things that make me sick. I can't change the past, i can't change what other people have done but God how i wish i could. I do not understand what people are thinking when they do certain things. I don't understand how people can give in to peer pressure if they don't agree with the very thing they end up doing. If you think something is wrong, you just don't do it. Simple as that. Who gives a fuck what people think or say?!?! If you end up doing it than you must have wanted to in the first place. Otherwise you wouldn't do it. It is as simple as that. I don't have any regrets. I haven't ever done anything i thought was morally wrong. So why do other people? It makes me sick to think about certain things, literally sick to my stomach and in my mind. How can people enjoy doing certain things? Are there certain things in the back of their minds? Memories, feelings, thoughts, wishful thinking?  Are the tears just for show, or is there regret for the act itself? Is the regret simply because the act hurt somebody else? I don't want to change anybody. I want them to change themselves. To think that what they did was wrong, not just for the sake of making me feel better, but because they truly believe it was wrong. Not just for me.

It sucks when you thought you knew somebody and then they tell you things about themselves. Repulsive things, that had you known previously you would have walked the other way. But by the times you found out its too late and your heart is too far invested in them. And then you are left trying to figure out how to get rid of the thoughts that are now put into your brain.  Trying to figure out how they are okay with themselves and what they have done. Trying to figure out if there are other things that they didn't ever tell you that you might find out in the future. I hate the way my brain works!

My brain is a mess, be thankful you don't have to live with it. The thoughts streaming through it are crazy, disheartening, depressing, disgusting, apalling, repulsive.

my weekend is over, another week now starts

my weekend was alright, albeit dull. I had to work, so that was completely ruinous. I hate my job, don't take this wrong, because i am very thankful that i have a job at all. However there are days when i absolutely loathe the job i have.

I am watching a movie on Greek mythology, i have always loved mythology. I'm not entirely sure why, i just know i love it. I always wished i could have powers like the Gods of Greece, be a God. Be something other than what i am. I have never really liked being me. I am crazy, completely different, random, and wild. I have never fit in with other people, i have trouble making friends. I always have. Its like a cruel joke played on me by God.

I am going to be hanging out with my friends tonight...it has been awhile since the group has been together, there has been so much drama between us. I think there is always at least one person mad another. I can't handle all of the back-stabbing very easily. It is always over the most obscure, ridiculous things. Sometimes my friends drive me insane.

Yesterday i went to church with my mother, she makes me go every week. I don't mind church, it is the people there that make me so furious. They are so fake, everything is a performance. Its all just for show. I go for my mother, but when i can move away from her i will not be going to church anymore. I hate all the hypocrites. That is what makes me angrier than anything.

My friend asked me to video tape her wedding, i don't really know that i want to...but i feel like i should do it. Which means i won't get to enjoy the wedding at all...Yay me.

rambling thoughts

                                    My mind is a mess, i am extra low on sleep. My mind is full of rambling thoughts, purely chaotic. The wild chaos is what i am used to. I know i will never be able to sort out all of the madness. That is okay with me though. I am sitting in my bed, laptop resting on my stomach. Bored out of my wits. 

I am watching a romantic movie, wishing that i still believed in love. I wish i could believe that the romance, the love i see in movies existed in real life. I want that fairy tale romance in my life. I don't want to be all alone forever, i don't want to settle  for less than Prince Charming.  I know that sounds impossible and maybe it is. I don't know. I want to know if there really is such a thing as fairy tale love. If there is than i want it. 

more random facts

* My I.Q was tested when i was younger. I am literally a genius.

*I do not like clothes and go without them when i am alone.

* I love lace. I don't really know why. I just do.

* I did not have a bf until i was 19.

*I pierced my own bellybutton when i was 17.

*I have 9 piercings, i have done 2 of them myself. I am addicted

*I love to cook, bake...experiment with food.

*Damn is my favourite word.

*Scooby Doo, my favourite cartoon show

*Metal intrigues me

*I have a list of things i want to do before i die.

*I want to go skydiving

*The Loch Ness monster is real, in my eyes.

*I don't want to fit in.

*I wish i was a better dancer

*My body makes me feel self-conscious

*I like it though, secretly, most of the time

*Singing is a lot of fun. I would do it professionally if i could

is there a point?

                       This is a question that i have pondered for many years. Is there a point to life? We all are born, we live our lives, and then we die. So what is the point of life? Why should anybody even attempt to survive when all they have to look forward to is death? I do not understand it at all. There have been so many times when i wished that i had never been born. There was even a time in my life when i wanted to take my own life. It makes me wonder...why shouldn't i? Why should i have to struggle through 90 years of life? Why should anyone. What is the big problem with suicide, why is it so taboo, why is it looked down upon? It is just an alternative way out of the world of the living.                                                                                                                                                            I play with fire a lot, trying to hold it in my hands, running my fingers through it. If anybody asks me why i do it, i tell them its for the challenge. The truth is, i need to feel the pain. I need to feel something! I need to know i am alive, need to know that i can still feel. I am normally so numb that i'm not even sure i am still alive, still human. The pain, it helps me to know that i am. Does it make me a freak to do this? I don't think so. I think if more people were honest with themselves they would admit that they also feel numb. I just can't go through life that way. I need to feel.                                                                                                                                                              I have been through a lot in my life. I have been abandoned, neglected, abused, rejected. I eventually built up a wall to keep the pain away, to protect my heart. Now the wall is so strong i don't think i could completely break it down even if i wanted to. I am too scared of what could happen. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Replaying the memories in my mind over and over and over. So many years of abuse. So much pain, so many tears. Now i can't cry. I know i am not normal, i know that i should feel. I know that there should be emotions, something else in place of the numbness that consumed my heart. I am cold. People have called me the ice queen for years. My heart is like ice, cold and hard. The wall that i put up is impossible to break down. I don't want to be like this. I am too scared to trust people, afraid that they will hurt me just like everybody else. I don't think i can handle more of that. I have fought so long, i can't fight forever. I can't continue to fight alone. I want the freedom, i want to stop being so cold, so numb. I want that. I just don't know how to get it.Or if i even can. Maybe its too late for me.


                        

Random Facts

~~~~Random Facts About Me~~~~

* I love speed. When i am driving that is, i love to feel the danger, i love to go so fast and forget about everything.

*My favourite colour is red. The colour of passion, of love, of blood.

* There is so much more to me than everybody can see.

*Tigers are my favourite animal. The raw power, the majesty, the fierceness of them. Incredible.

*I love to know things, i wish i could know everything. Knowledge is what we should all seek.

*I am addicted to pixie stix. The powder is magical.

*I don't like it when i dream. They are always nightmares.

*I want to get the word "Laugh" tattooed on my side. To remind me to not take life so seriously.

*Roses are my favourite flower.

*I love to read and will read nearly anything.

*I am afraid to tell anybody to much about myself

*There were at least 5 years of my life when i wanted to die. I tried to kill myself

*I'm glad i didn't die.

*I hate crying. I hate being that vulnerable

*I would rather feel numb than have to deal with all the pain involved with feeling.

*Disappointment is the only thing i have ever felt from my parents

*I do not talk to my father unless neccesary.

*Mexican food is my favourite.

*Fire! Amazing, i love it.

*Life is meant to be lived spontaneously. I try to do that.

*Intensity, its what i live for. I need excitement to feel adrenaline. To feel at all.

*My hair reflects my personality. Wild and crazy

*I have trouble connecting with people. I am too different.

*As a result i have just a few friends, but they are just as crazy as me. We have a blast.

*i love to write, especially poetry. It gets everything i am feeling out of me.

*I hate thunderstorms

*but i love lightening

*Fireworks are glorious

*I like alcohol. A lot, so i try not to drink too much. I don't want to get addicted.

*I will never smoke. The smell makes me ill.

*I wish i could do drugs to forget the pain of my life.

*i do not like rainbows and don't understand why they are such a big deal.

*I love waterfalls

*I am nearly always chewing gum. Love it! Especially cinnamon.

*I want to travel the world. See everything i can

*I love water. Boats, swimming, everything. Its great.

*My grandparents and i are very close, even though they live very far away.

*Jewelry...i love it

*Hazelnut chocolates are magnificent

*Dragons...i wish they still existed.