I am sitting here at the computer, trying to figure out my thoughts. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I am sick and tired of continuing to be this person. The person that everybody else wants me to be. I am NOT that girl. I never have been, i don't even think i want to be. How do i go about trying to change my image though? Everybody see's me as that girl, the one who always does the right thing, always knows what to do and say. I have grown up in a family where you always have to do the "right " thing, always be the good little Christian. Sometimes i am just so sick of it! I just want to be able to be myself, but i can't even tell who i am anymore! So many years of pretending to be this person has left me without my own identity, its frightening actually, to forget who you are, in thoughts and personality. I don't know how much longer i will be able to survive like this, with no direction, no freedom, no personality or character. Sooner or later i'll run into problems. It seems like everybody always wants something from me, but its nothing i have. I need to get away from it all, i need to be able to figure myself out. So many decisions!
All i want to do is be myself, whoever that may be. I want to live without the pressures. I want to be able to say and do whatever i want, whenever i want! I don't want to care about what everybody else wants or thinks. My whole life has been a huge theatrical production! I'm just tired of the acting. I want out of it all. How do people live their whole lives like this?!? The only people in the world that have ever known the real me, have gone away, for some reason or another. There have only been about 3 of them. I just want to get out. So many thoughts, so hard to describe, ugh, how can i make you understand? I have grown up in the church, i believe in God, thats not my problem. My problem is that everyone still see's me as the 5 year old who i can't even rememeber. The first 6 years of my life are a total blank. I can't even remember this person that everyone wants me to be. Nothing really makes sense to me anymore. I can't live up to all of the expectations, whats the point in even continuing on in life?
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