more of me

Sometimes, more and more frequently, i find the need to hide within myself. Seeking solace from the serenity i manage to maintain inside. Running away from life, and all of the ensuing problems. I can't deal with things well. I can put up a good front, i'm very good at acting, i always have been. I've had to be, in order to keep any semblence of sanity. My life hasn't been all that easy, regardless of what people may believe. I've had to go through a lot of things, and while it may not have all been my fault, i've taken the blame. I have sufferened the penalty for all these years. All of the pain i manage to hide away, all of the tears i've yet to shed. My spirit and soul is slowly creeping away from me. Its like i'm becoming somebody else now. A person not even remotely close to what i imagined myself being, not anything near to my actual self. I can't remember what it was like to not care, what it was like before i had to hide. If people knew the thoughts i've had.... Writing is my way of dealing. I have so many journals full of my poetry, written when my mind was at the verge of desperation. Its the only thing that makes any sense, the only thing that gets me through it. Without my journals, i wouldn't be here now, and that is not an exaggeration. I was listening tonight, to a friend speak on the subject of people. People who pretend to be something else, who do things that, as themselves, they wouldn't ever do. I am one of those people, unbeknownst to all who know me. I pretend that i'm fine, even when i'm dying inside. I act like i'm ok, even when i'm afraid to talk, in case i start to trust. You see, i can not trust people, i've been hurt way too many times. I'm scared that if i trust someone else, i'll just get hurt again. I'm tired of being hurt, tired of being rejected and ignored. I just want people to accept me the way i am. Accept this ridiculous person, with the weird moods, and the annoying habits of singing and writing all the time. Its not that hard. You see, when you have been rejected by your own family, in its majority, you have a tendency to find it hard to believe people, trust people, and make friends. So many people take it for granted. A lot of people, just don't know what it is like to be the odd one out, the one sitting by the sideline with a notebook, scribbling out incoherant sentences. Alone, and afraid of being discovered. That has been me, for all of my life. I know when people look at me, thats not what they see, i told you already, i'm good at acting, but it doesn't matter if i look like a popular person. I know how i feel. I know the truth about what's real. I do not know why i continue this charade, why should i keep up this act? Sooner or later, i will be found out, thats what always happens. I just can't bring myself to give up on the hope that someday things will be better. Without hope, what have i got to live for? I'm just a lonely, little girl, one who doesn't know whats going on. Deep inside, thats still me. So i am always trying to hide my true feeling, my thoughts, all of my emotions... just so i don't get hurt even more.....