Another long day, i don't have to go to work for another 4 hours or so. My family is all out of the house thankfully. It is so much more peaceful and quiet with everyone gone. It is so humid here, moisture is just sitting in the air. I am thankful that it is not cold and snowy yet. I dread the coming of winter. Last night it was incredibly foggy on my drive home, like what i imagine driving through a cloud is like.
Last night i was out with my friends, it wasn't bad like i expected, no drama. We went putt-putt golfing and out to dinner, and then back to Janelles house to play games and what not. It was fun. Jenni, Janelle, and Dory's last night out before they have to leave for college. Toni's last night before she gets married. Tara and Em came out with us too. It was fun and relaxing. I wish it could happen more often, but if it did things would get bad again.
One of my best friends, Octavia, asked me to do video of her wedding for her, i am pretty nervous about it. I don't want to mess it all up for her. I want it to turn out well. However, i said yes, as always. I am too damn nice! Lol, i always say yes, i feel bad if somebody asks for something and i say no. So i am really hoping that the video footage turns out well.
I want to write a book, a childrens book obviously, i know my writing style wouldn't work for an adult book. I am just not sure what to write about for a childrens book. I want to write a classic. My brothers girlfriend is a really good artist, so i could have her illustrate it. I'm sure she would enjoy it. I just need a story line.
My internet is all messed up right now, it says i have internet sometimes and then it won't let me access it. Its incredibly frustrating! It will kick me offline sometimes, and it always seems like its when i am in the middle of something. Isn't that the way life works?
Today seems to be going so slowly. I haven't got anything to do until work. All of my friends are already working and so i am on my own. It gets boring. I am a person who gets bored really easily. When i have nothing to do...it seems like my brain starts to go in all the wrong places, over analysing everything, thinking about things i want to forget about, bringing images to my mind that i would do anything to get rid of. Surfacing memories. I can't control it, or make it stop. It just goes on and on. A couple of days ago, i think it was sunday, my mind kept flashing back to a horrible day of my life. One that i have blocked. When my stepfather attacked my older brother. There was so much yelling, screaming, knives were pulled, there was blood everywhere, glass breaking, my mother crying. I can still see my older brother pinned underneath my stepfather, taking hit upon hit to his face and body, that horrible monster with blood streaming down his arm, raising his fist back to punch my brother yet again, my mother screaming and crying in the background, my little brothers running up the stairs to get away, my dog barking at him to stop. I couldn't handle it. I ran outside, tears streaming down my face, unsure of what i would go back to. It was one of the worst days in my life. There are still days when, in my mind, it plays over again and again. I don't know how to get rid of the memories. I just want them gone!
There are other thoughts pounding through my brain, things i wish i could get out, things that make me sick. I can't change the past, i can't change what other people have done but God how i wish i could. I do not understand what people are thinking when they do certain things. I don't understand how people can give in to peer pressure if they don't agree with the very thing they end up doing. If you think something is wrong, you just don't do it. Simple as that. Who gives a fuck what people think or say?!?! If you end up doing it than you must have wanted to in the first place. Otherwise you wouldn't do it. It is as simple as that. I don't have any regrets. I haven't ever done anything i thought was morally wrong. So why do other people? It makes me sick to think about certain things, literally sick to my stomach and in my mind. How can people enjoy doing certain things? Are there certain things in the back of their minds? Memories, feelings, thoughts, wishful thinking? Are the tears just for show, or is there regret for the act itself? Is the regret simply because the act hurt somebody else? I don't want to change anybody. I want them to change themselves. To think that what they did was wrong, not just for the sake of making me feel better, but because they truly believe it was wrong. Not just for me.
It sucks when you thought you knew somebody and then they tell you things about themselves. Repulsive things, that had you known previously you would have walked the other way. But by the times you found out its too late and your heart is too far invested in them. And then you are left trying to figure out how to get rid of the thoughts that are now put into your brain. Trying to figure out how they are okay with themselves and what they have done. Trying to figure out if there are other things that they didn't ever tell you that you might find out in the future. I hate the way my brain works!
My brain is a mess, be thankful you don't have to live with it. The thoughts streaming through it are crazy, disheartening, depressing, disgusting, apalling, repulsive.
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