Time for yet another glimpse into the mind of a crazy girl. Today is Thursday and i somehow do not have to work today, i have to be there really early tomorrow though. So i guess that makes up for my day away. I woke up around 9:30 this morning, after going to bed around 4am. So...about 5.5 hrs of sleep, not the best but still better than sometimes. I have been having so much trouble sleeping lately and i'm not sure why. It is very frustrating to me!
I am listening to music by Maroon 5 right now, sad songs, love songs...i am sometimes in the mood for this kind of music. Sometimes it makes me realize things about myself that i hadn't realized before. Sometimes it puts me in a sad mood. Which is okay.
My head is pounding right now, i hate headaches but i am for some reason prone to them. I think it probably has to do with my constant lack of sleep. I can rarely sleep well. I think my propensity towards headaches and a sore body are probably the result of that lack of sleep.
Yesterday, my older brothers girlfriend flew in from Georgia and i met her for the first time. The have been together for 3 years. She seems really nice, it was strange to see my brother with somebody. Hard to explain, but she seems nice which is good.
I have decided that i have a hard time in relationships for one main reason...i am so used to being able to trust no one and rely on no one that when i have somebody to talk to i can't. I think i am too afraid of things going wrong after i have trusted somebody. Afraid that it will damage me even more. So i just keep all the things inside of me that need to get out, things that need to be discussed and straightened out. Everything inside my mind remains unspoken. Things are hard for me sometimes, a lot of times. I rarely share my thoughts though, it is easier to keep it inside and avoid any talking. I know that's not healthy but it is such a huge habit now that i don't know if i could stop keeping it all inside if i wanted to.
My dad is trying to get in touch with me again. I do not like my dad at all and avoid him at every opportunity. I don't want him in my life, i have given up on that happening a long time ago. When he tries to get back into my life, it is only for a few weeks and then he will back out again. That doesn't work for me. I can't have my dad acting like he wants me around only to abandon me and then wait a couple months to do it again. I can't handle the pain of that rejection continuously. I still haven't fully come to terms with the original abandonment 21 years ago. To put myself through it 3 or 4 times a year would break me completely. Why can't he realize that?!?
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