This is a question that i have pondered for many years. Is there a point to life? We all are born, we live our lives, and then we die. So what is the point of life? Why should anybody even attempt to survive when all they have to look forward to is death? I do not understand it at all. There have been so many times when i wished that i had never been born. There was even a time in my life when i wanted to take my own life. It makes me wonder...why shouldn't i? Why should i have to struggle through 90 years of life? Why should anyone. What is the big problem with suicide, why is it so taboo, why is it looked down upon? It is just an alternative way out of the world of the living. I play with fire a lot, trying to hold it in my hands, running my fingers through it. If anybody asks me why i do it, i tell them its for the challenge. The truth is, i need to feel the pain. I need to feel something! I need to know i am alive, need to know that i can still feel. I am normally so numb that i'm not even sure i am still alive, still human. The pain, it helps me to know that i am. Does it make me a freak to do this? I don't think so. I think if more people were honest with themselves they would admit that they also feel numb. I just can't go through life that way. I need to feel. I have been through a lot in my life. I have been abandoned, neglected, abused, rejected. I eventually built up a wall to keep the pain away, to protect my heart. Now the wall is so strong i don't think i could completely break it down even if i wanted to. I am too scared of what could happen. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Replaying the memories in my mind over and over and over. So many years of abuse. So much pain, so many tears. Now i can't cry. I know i am not normal, i know that i should feel. I know that there should be emotions, something else in place of the numbness that consumed my heart. I am cold. People have called me the ice queen for years. My heart is like ice, cold and hard. The wall that i put up is impossible to break down. I don't want to be like this. I am too scared to trust people, afraid that they will hurt me just like everybody else. I don't think i can handle more of that. I have fought so long, i can't fight forever. I can't continue to fight alone. I want the freedom, i want to stop being so cold, so numb. I want that. I just don't know how to get it.Or if i even can. Maybe its too late for me.
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